rejection

I've always said this, and I truly believe as well, that there are 4 types of love. 1. Family love 2. Friendship kinda love 3. Self love 4. that someone special kinda love Of which,I am truly blessed to have 1 and 2. I am guilty of giving, and not knowing how to ask. I am also guilty of not knowing how to lower my guard, even to my family, and to just say whats on my mind. (trust issue? or just plain crazy perhaps?) Having said this, I, well by now I should at least notice I guess, that I go through this cycle of up and down. give a lot, disappear, come back and give some more. I tell my friends, 'you need to refill your emotional piggy bank, tell that person, you need some lovin too!'. But I am so guilty of not practicing this. ah... the irony! I have reached the low again. in this cycle. can't wait to get out of it. trigger point? lonliness I guess. I yearn for #4. a lot. dont ask for much. honest. but have never met anyone that is here for me. they always come with an ulterior motive, and if I do become important to them, its a bonus along the way for them, I reckon. it sucks, because I dont work this way. (yes, I have 'opened' up a lot more, accomodated, and know its not my flow) friends say, reinstall your dating app! time to get out there again! I did. and got ghosted, again. Nothing major, just 1 date, but it hurts when you thought it went well, and in the middle of a chat after that date and the next day, he blocks you. wtf? yes. ghosted. no signs, no symptoms, no nothing. texted me, asks me hows my Sunday, I teasted him and asked if he just woke up since he stayed up to watch a Chelsea game through the night, and since he said he has a soccer game the next day last night, I asked him hows the game. nothing. single tick. I send another text later in the day. I know by then. gone. it sucks you know? and I am part angry part upset. and I hate it cos its affecting me. I dont fear singlehood. heck I have been single all my life, hello? but I recognise that even with 1, 2, and well 3, its not complete. I still feel a missing piece deep down. I'll save this debate for another day. thanks for staying around. end of rant. drop me your rant, lol. share the flame.

hello again

27 Jan 2022

hit by a wave of loneliness. I came back and remembered when I was a younger girl with a hardier emotion and hope. How cruel of time to take youth away from us so mercilessly.