April 26, 2013

A little catch up with your old crush will leave you feeling empty sometimes

Before I get into my rambling, I'd just like to thank who ever you are that's reading this and leaving comments.Sorry I just saw them and I am actually thinking of curling into bed as soon as I am done rambling here, but I'll reply soon and visit the blogs mentioned in the comments :)

so today is another one of those days when I had a nice catch up with a nice person and go away feeling funny. I am always amazed at how humans relate to one another at this level of familiarity and yet foreign complexity. I always wonder where is too far? what is OK?  Can I really ask for this and expect that? will I get hit by any backfire as a result? Can we get personal and not awkward? i think too much, that is why I am not a good gambler. and I really should not gamble. i suck at it... -_-lll

anyway, so we talked, started with a question to me about hows work? - busy as usual? understaffed, overworked and feeling so not appreciated. whats new?
it became a quest for food. Sushi it is. I am still amazed at how I feel full with just a few pieces of sushi! wth man..... and I blame him. yes you lar!

work went to 'why u coughing?' to a common friend that he didnt make to the last dinner gathering, how she is, then another friend, and another to 1st year, our study group, to gossips and rumors about him the girls, his definition of pretty, to my view that guys should really marry their girlfriend in the 20s cos c'mon face the truth, we girls dont recover and take pregnancy as easily when you are in the 30s versus 20s. Trust me, I worked in a gynae-onco clinic, I have seen enough in the 3 years to know.

Then it was time to leave and I felt I have interrogated and really grumble enough. mental note to self. next meeting,  try to  don't talk about those days again, not the girls, the study group, the stuffs that make me depress. tsk.

its just that I have been asking myself, why am I still single. yes 20+++ years and no man. *slap forehead*

its nice to see him, but its just telling me, its not happening girlfriend. he is just someone else, not your someone but someone else. maybe I should have gone on the walk I used to take when I was so into you to clear my head.

Or I can listen to Ella Fitzgerald, (by the way, Happy Birthday Ella~) 
and savour the bittersweet, sour, smooth and absolutely heavenly music soothing and tugging at this heavy heart.

its must be my problem. as Google tells me. link

"1. You’re ambivalent about entering into a committed, intimate relationship with a man.

As much as you think you want a partner, you may find it hard to leave your comfort zone of being single. I know you don’t think you’re comfortable, but we tend to go for what’s familiar. Ambivalence will prevent you from taking the emotional risks necessary to get close enough to a man to love him and let him love you.

It will keep you from fully committing to finding a partner, and creates all kinds of sneaky ways to ruin your relationships. If left unchallenged, it will keep you falling for unavailable men or with acts of self-sabotage such as drinking too much on a first date. Ambivalence will make you believe all kinds of excuses and rationalizations as to why you haven’t met the right man, and it will keep you in a state of blaming rather than taking responsibility."

I think this is it. maybe I need help... serious medical help


Blogger Andrew Gay said...

Don't Give Up

1:30 AM  
Anonymous Joanna Tibbels said...

I know exactly what you mean when you talk about this 'funny feeling' you get after speaking to someone who was once, and perhaps still is important to you. It's nice to know i'm not the only one :)

11:05 PM  

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