rejection

I've always said this, and I truly believe as well, that there are 4 types of love. 1. Family love 2. Friendship kinda love 3. Self love 4. that someone special kinda love Of which,I am truly blessed to have 1 and 2. I am guilty of giving, and not knowing how to ask. I am also guilty of not knowing how to lower my guard, even to my family, and to just say whats on my mind. (trust issue? or just plain crazy perhaps?) Having said this, I, well by now I should at least notice I guess, that I go through this cycle of up and down. give a lot, disappear, come back and give some more. I tell my friends, 'you need to refill your emotional piggy bank, tell that person, you need some lovin too!'. But I am so guilty of not practicing this. ah... the irony! I have reached the low again. in this cycle. can't wait to get out of it. trigger point? lonliness I guess. I yearn for #4. a lot. dont ask for much. honest. but have never met anyone that is here for me. they always come with an ulterior motive, and if I do become important to them, its a bonus along the way for them, I reckon. it sucks, because I dont work this way. (yes, I have 'opened' up a lot more, accomodated, and know its not my flow) friends say, reinstall your dating app! time to get out there again! I did. and got ghosted, again. Nothing major, just 1 date, but it hurts when you thought it went well, and in the middle of a chat after that date and the next day, he blocks you. wtf? yes. ghosted. no signs, no symptoms, no nothing. texted me, asks me hows my Sunday, I teasted him and asked if he just woke up since he stayed up to watch a Chelsea game through the night, and since he said he has a soccer game the next day last night, I asked him hows the game. nothing. single tick. I send another text later in the day. I know by then. gone. it sucks you know? and I am part angry part upset. and I hate it cos its affecting me. I dont fear singlehood. heck I have been single all my life, hello? but I recognise that even with 1, 2, and well 3, its not complete. I still feel a missing piece deep down. I'll save this debate for another day. thanks for staying around. end of rant. drop me your rant, lol. share the flame.

hello again

27 Jan 2022

hit by a wave of loneliness. I came back and remembered when I was a younger girl with a hardier emotion and hope. How cruel of time to take youth away from us so mercilessly. 

When you are too lazy to blog...

but there's so much running in the brain, and you want so much to remember and pen it down somewhere...

it started when I was reading some posts from friends who love reading each other's blog and some that are just poetic beings with pretty pictures and flowing words.

it started when I had a more-busy-than-usual life for a while. I guess the people you meet, the things you do, the memories that you make with them are what itches me to blog.

I do not keep a diary, unlike my boss who still does. it was a moment of revelation when I was asked to do this mid to long term planning in the format of a temple (forgot its name) during one of the training session and it struck me that there are so many things waiting for me and I let it slip because I procrastinate chronically. there are so many things running through my mind and I cannot wrap my head around them because I did not pen them down. seems like the mind needs to see visuals sometimes to make it work.

right back to main reason i decided to sit down and blog today.

11June

the day where I had planned to sent Stiney off on her new journey in Kiwiland.

I remembered how it felt for me when I had friends there to send me off as well. being the socially awkward me, it was really nice and touching to see them there.

of all days, Uncle C had to arrange a minuscule gathering which I felt complied to attend because he's an important friend and a difficult person to book (an appointment with).

So I accepted the gathering and prepared them that I will be LATE. very late.

at 530pm, I left office in a rush. scramble for taxi in my black overall (because its the 2nd day of period and it was not a fun day to have a busy schedule...) glad that Stiney's flight was delayed 

610pm, I reached the airport. could be earlier but the cab driver was so slow.... Stine left for T3 (I think) so I took the change to freshen up and see if I can grab a card to write something for her because I hate saying goodbyes.

630pm, Stiney came back to T1, and I met her and her entourage at the departure gate. Took an un-glam picture with her (I mean me as the totally un-glam one). a few more for her family and off she goes.

655pm, Stiney disappear among the crowd and I part with her family at the airport. I headed for T3 to grab the train and texted Uncle C's group chat that I am leaving the airport now. I barely reached the tram for T3 when I saw the message I thought I'd never see. Mr A offered to pick me up on his way to the same gathering. omg omg omg I am hyperventilating. am I blushing of smiling like a druggie? why are the people around me judging?! dont judge okay? I've been dreaming of this for a while already hor!

703pm, I reached T3. accepted the offer in the Tram and smiled like an idiot. waking up to realise oh.... I should tell him where I am right? T3 Departure Row 8 ok? and his reply: ok. I am over the moon. how I start debating with myself, wait inside? wait outside, how long is he gonna take? cos I know Ubi is not exactly on the way and I dont want him to wait for me at the drop off point.

708pm, I went to the washroom deciding he will need at least 15min to get here. freshen up again (for what I dont know.... maybe to smell nicer and look more human) tried to tame the hair and lip-stick (although men say they dont notice such things,I do it anyway cos I am vain) sat back at the benches in the airport and started staring at whatsapp, reading the flurry of messages before Stine disappear into the sky.

the evening when waiting was a sweet sweet thing to do.

715pm, Reaching in 1 min. omg I didnt see this come in?! *jumped off the seat and ran outside* no car?! oh crap! did I miss him? checks whatsapp. ah CHEY! its not even pass 1 min after he sent it. now I panic. I dont remember what car he drove, what if more than 1 car appear and i went to the wrong one?

soon he arrives, oh black car, I remember that. heart flutters.

car zooms in, I get in, nice air-con, thank goodness, cos it was hot outside.

I try to slip in as smoothly as possible, say hi as not-awkward as possible.

hmm... the car looks unfamiliar. changed car already? oh same car, until 2016. right. gotta remember this.

Had to remind myself not to stare. but he looks so charming in the white long sleeved shirt so comfortable in his driver seat. if only his mine. haha he's wearing white shirt again......

I felt so comfortable beside him, I felt sleepy, thank goodness for the too cold aircon I manage to stay awake. 

chit chat was really nice on the way there and i had to slap myself when we were entering the carpark. i cant take the cold and asked him if he likes the cold? ALAMAK gurl wat u sayin?! 5 more min only!!!!! complain? u are stupiak or what? sigh....

Dinner was nice, Ms J was as cute as ever and dancing again, Uncle C daddy date around mid July, lucky we met now. drinks with the 2 boys after that and we went home in different directions. on the bus home, i was still dreaming about the ride from the airport. such fuzzy feeling inside. 

its been what? almost 8 years and I am so not over him yet.

he just makes me fall deeper when I thought I climbed out of it. 

I am so rubbish at this.

I am still feeling the high from the ride. let me stay here for a little while more....

A little catch up with your old crush will leave you feeling empty sometimes

Before I get into my rambling, I'd just like to thank who ever you are that's reading this and leaving comments.Sorry I just saw them and I am actually thinking of curling into bed as soon as I am done rambling here, but I'll reply soon and visit the blogs mentioned in the comments :)

so today is another one of those days when I had a nice catch up with a nice person and go away feeling funny. I am always amazed at how humans relate to one another at this level of familiarity and yet foreign complexity. I always wonder where is too far? what is OK?  Can I really ask for this and expect that? will I get hit by any backfire as a result? Can we get personal and not awkward? i think too much, that is why I am not a good gambler. and I really should not gamble. i suck at it... -_-lll

anyway, so we talked, started with a question to me about hows work? - busy as usual? understaffed, overworked and feeling so not appreciated. whats new?
it became a quest for food. Sushi it is. I am still amazed at how I feel full with just a few pieces of sushi! wth man..... and I blame him. yes you lar!

work went to 'why u coughing?' to a common friend that he didnt make to the last dinner gathering, how she is, then another friend, and another to 1st year, our study group, to gossips and rumors about him the girls, his definition of pretty, to my view that guys should really marry their girlfriend in the 20s cos c'mon face the truth, we girls dont recover and take pregnancy as easily when you are in the 30s versus 20s. Trust me, I worked in a gynae-onco clinic, I have seen enough in the 3 years to know.

Then it was time to leave and I felt I have interrogated and really grumble enough. mental note to self. next meeting,  try to  don't talk about those days again, not the girls, the study group, the stuffs that make me depress. tsk.

its just that I have been asking myself, why am I still single. yes 20+++ years and no man. *slap forehead*

its nice to see him, but its just telling me, its not happening girlfriend. he is just someone else, not your someone but someone else. maybe I should have gone on the walk I used to take when I was so into you to clear my head.

Or I can listen to Ella Fitzgerald, (by the way, Happy Birthday Ella~) 

and savour the bittersweet, sour, smooth and absolutely heavenly music soothing and tugging at this heavy heart.

its must be my problem. as Google tells me. link

"1. You’re ambivalent about entering into a committed, intimate relationship with a man.

As much as you think you want a partner, you may find it hard to leave your comfort zone of being single. I know you don’t think you’re comfortable, but we tend to go for what’s familiar. Ambivalence will prevent you from taking the emotional risks necessary to get close enough to a man to love him and let him love you.

It will keep you from fully committing to finding a partner, and creates all kinds of sneaky ways to ruin your relationships. If left unchallenged, it will keep you falling for unavailable men or with acts of self-sabotage such as drinking too much on a first date. Ambivalence will make you believe all kinds of excuses and rationalizations as to why you haven’t met the right man, and it will keep you in a state of blaming rather than taking responsibility."

I think this is it. maybe I need help... serious medical help

almost 1 year ago

was my last entry lamenting the state of rotting away, wishing away for a job and feeling really useless... I did receive your comments guys~ thanks for the encouraging words!
I hope everything's well for ya~ 


I managed to land myself a job end July.
It may have been a stroke of luck and I am grateful for the chance. I want to believe there is someone out there looking out for me. hey, honestly, it would be nice to if someone really is out there ain't it. that is why i choose to be, well, irrational.... that's why I didnt even complain when the pay was just enough to get by every month. 


I didn't know blogspot changed so much since my last update.
Its nice to be able to read the comments across posts now~


and I realize, I do complain alot. and oh?! I did blog in mandarin. cool....


okay, so life now is still as boring.
Although I managed to sing again, by taking vocal lessons. I could have just spent 7.50SGD to sing at a KTV pub.But for curiosity's sake and some unfounded courage, I signed up for classes.I don't know how to describe it. perhaps I had sung in choirs before, I have less problem singing and sometimes, I felt i'm wasting my time.I am nearing the end of my 2nd stage and honestly, I think I may have improved~ I didn't want to believe that but I actually felt I sounded even better now.
I even had the chance to sing with an acapella group thanks to the referral of my coach and the fortunate fact that I knew one of the singers personally :)


Archery is a hobby I decided to maintain and optimistically become good at it. so much that i make sure I go for sunday training. even roped my dad in just to get him out of the house for company and some father daughter time.


ah.. the reason for this post was because its so overdue.
perhaps I wanted to fill the space with a new entry.


maybe it was because I just met some friends for dinner and the only guy at the table was someone i liked and still do today
I've never been in a relationship, no one was interested in me, up till today.
and although its one sided, I am proud that when I like someone, its for real, it stays...
i still get that sourly feeling in the chest when I see him and know that he is so not into me. nothing in TV dramas ever happen in real life, that why its TV, tsk....


just last weekend, had dinner with a long time old old friend. and of all things, he had to mention the guy whom i had almost forgotten. sometimes these frightening stuffs come back to bite you. to remind you that those memories are real and they really hurt.
not just ahem, him.... there are ladies too... I am probably jealous that they are successful in areas that I just suck at I am such a lousy person. I cant stand it when they are living a better life than me. well in some ways better than me. I am a bad person... :/


note to self. you need to learn to let go. sometimes, winners are the ones that let go. why dwell on something that sucked for you when everyone's moved on? life is too short to waste like this. that's why you always give reasons to take short cuts. that's why you need to just let it go and ignore the news that comes with the occasional breeze. its just the wind, let it pass and go away quietly.


right, enough prep talk. time for bed!
Good night guys, and may you life be beautiful~ <3

give me a job!

I've been back for ages now and yet I am still jobless!
No one wants me. Period.
Why? I ask myself too. Why?!

All I ask for is a chance to prove to you my capabilities.
That I am that person you want.
All I need is a chance.....

Honestly.
I know I can't do sales for nuts.
I know I am definitely excited by the mere thought of a research project.
I know I love people, travelling, teamwork, presentation, etc.!
I am a workaholic, good is never good enough when I am responsible for a task.
I need a job.
Not only because I need the income.
But because I want to be the staff that surprises you with what I can give.
I am always proud of the company I join, and I need the company to be proud of me too!

It's really late now and before I ramble off track,
I am looking for a clinical research position. OR drug research is fun too.
Please jus try me out.
Be it a Singapore or British job.
Like I say. I love travelling, flying, moving.
Even if it's for work. It's joy to me.

A little something to bring on a new beginning to blogging

The JapanFever is slowly evolving into KoreaFever...

I think I've got it too...cant get enough of this!

ok. this is scary...22 followers?! since when do I get followers on my blog!???

lmao~ thanks guys~

and peeps who left comments!

Gosh~!!! I am so sorry I only saw them today!

What have I been doing?!

(dont tell me fb....nope thats not exactly it lols~)

xx

Quote2: Meself

greatness is knowing that i'll be somewhere in your thoughts today
-SN Ang-