Snowy sleepless nights

Ive called myself polarpanda for ages now.
an organism that tries desperately to connect itself with snow and wintery weathers.

now that im finally in UK, and its darn cold. its snowing.
small snow showers, heavy big snowflakes blizzard, gentle falling of snow on the nose etc etc...
Ive even learnt that a hot cup of tea and a good book beside a window full of falling snow can be a really sinful act of relaxation, comparable to enjoying good chocolate and mocha on a lazy afternoon.

I cant sleep. Just like when i was back at home.
Bad habit.
Im trying to concentrate and attack my dissertation with as much power in can infuse it with.
I want to do well, like i always do, dream, tried too.
But the snow is just too much for this head.
its hypnotic watching the snow.
the cold always makes me shiver from the bottom of my spine up.
and forever, i would shiver and chatter like how they describe it in children's books.
today? its 3am going 4.
im in my room beside the already cooled radiator and the window which is standing brave against the cold knifing its way through to me.
Im typing away. verbal diarrhea.
drinking tea, hugging my fav pillow.
listening to Misty by Kenny G.

it all began with the itchy fingers and tired eyes diverting attention from dissertation onto msn.
and falling on the one love that DNA had stubbornly refused to remove its liking tagged to him.
so began the dramatic waltz of tease and taunt.
words flow, sentences form and the scroll bar began to shrink like a door opening to allow memories to flow out yet again.
ah... The Stylistics are singing Can't Give You Anything.
yes indeed... cant give me anything.
but mere satisfaction to the eager desperado clinging onto whatever imaginary romance it can squeeze from these words which are words of play from two bored strangers trying for some fun.

and so its time again for Goodbye Days - YUI.

confidence growth

maybe its the culture and attitude difference, maybe its just me in a new environment.

somehow, I feel that I am a more confident person now.
confidence in terms of personality. not the fake fronts which I always put up when faced with a presentation, confrontation or even for performances.

I always have this thing about how I look and my figure.
like DUR! I am like flabby and seriously not a looker totally~ and its somewhat funny that in sg, people like me arent granted the right to dress up and try to be pretty. u would just get so much eye rolling and coaxing to dress down and get back into the background!
but over here, irregardless of how u are shaped or looks like, it is ok to dress up in whatever u feel like and wants to.
in fact they dont see why u cant dress up at all!

vainity aside, theres the confidence as a person.
over here i am asked to SPEAK UP! they say i speak too softly cos i lack the confidence in myself and that i am capable and just as good as anyone else here.
seriously, i realise that a long time ago, but people just ignore me even if i start to shout in sg.
here, they actually ask u to have your say. its like when u try to get into a conversation, and u cant really get into it, they would come back and ask you what was it u wanted to say and they dont take 'nothing' as an excuse to skip.

even in choir, honey drums, canoe, scuba, H2O polo etc.... I am not singled out cos if how i look. in fact, they treat me like everyone else. no exceptions. U have to swim as hard and as fast...unfit is not an excuse~
everyone gets a chance at things. they dont say sorry, u too big cant find something for u. its more of hmm... lets get a bigger one for you, cos u HAVE to try it out!!!
in sg, it would be like, sorry we cant help you.

but then again, they dont take rubbish for weakness. unless u really cant do it and theyve seen ur effort, they will push you and get the response they need. so not time for lack of confidence and seriously, the confidence overflow of people here in themselves just fills you and takes over~

i think im gonna like it here for awhile~ so long im still a student and enjoying campus life~

scientific blabbing

ive started, okay it a little too late to say start, on my dissertation paper
its all about endometriosis and I almost know too well the effects of this mysterious condition on women.
ive seem really strong and cheerful ladies reduce themselves to tears during checkups because of the discomfort and pain that it brings...and the countless ladies out there who have monthly drastic pain that warrants a MC all probably have some form of endometriosis.
the only problem: endometriosis diagnosis for sure is via laparoscopy which is a day surgery.....:(
so most docs prefer to treat symptoms and ignore unless it gives problems like infertility or cysts since it is benign.
okay maybe i should put it the other way. patients prefer less invasive measures for minor stuffs that isnt life threatening. ah thats better.
and this simple yet mostly unknown condition is driving me nuts now.....!? tsk tsk

anyways... i am hooked on this book called "Bad Science" by Ben Goldacre.
interesting how common sensical stuffs that I have been rambling on at home is all in this book, and wait~ theres more!!! so ive been wise to stay clear of all those rubbish and save my money on other enjoyments~ ha!
although i do believe in TCM, and other stuffs not from the traditional 'Western' medicine area, there are certain hocus pocus still all out there waiting to catch its prey and it would seriously do u well to use some brain before jumping into anything~ Yeah u feel good....have u heard of placebo effect?? tsk

oh... not forgetting that ive got a wiki on Post natal syndrome thats really bugging me plus something interesting Tourette Syndrome for presentation~ ha... thats gonna be fun.
but DAMN 2/3 are O&G related~ I just love my job~ ha!!!

first entry from UK (a very belated entry)

its been a roller coster ride since i arrived barely more than 1 month ago on 20sept2009.

I reached Bradford without my baggage and was stranded in a place where i didnt know where to get food and even more so, the shops were closed on sunday...

now that i am sorta settled down, i am enjoying my first ice-cream of B&J's Phish Food icecream in the midst of trying very hard to concentrate and have a go at the dissertation... :(

I am still having a hard time trying to call KLM for the documents which i needed desperately to claim my insurace! wah biang..... really sianded....

and of course alot has happened during this mere few days as compared to the many to come.
ive already visited 5 places, i think, so far.
ive gone through and got myself into an auditioned choir Bradford Singers and I am also singing with Bradford Chorale.
i may be singing with the Jazz Band and probably do a gig with the Honey Drums~ haha
ive just had my first performance at St Georges Halls for Rememberance Festival yesterday, I had my first Halloween Party too~
ive had 2 meals of treat from my friends and I had done a little party plus thankgiving with a flatemate of mine for almost 20 guests!
ive finally swam in the pool here which is 1/4 the size of the usual singapore pools and did that with the water polo team which gave ma an ache throughout the prac, after that in the shower and even more so in the days after that~ i almost couldnt climb outta the pool! haa......

Next destination: Liverpool

to dos: watch TrueLoveNeverDies in London
watch a Finals of the Premier League (Pray i can do it at ManU~)
travel on the EuroStar~
blah blah blah......

and theres always my dissertation nagging at the back of my head and theres 2 group works, a wiki on post-natal syndrome and a presentation on Tourette Syndrome...

tsk tsk.....

Final Lap to Graduation

Dear Family and Friends....

I always find it difficult to put things in words and I always worry too much with what they would bring...
Its was even harder for me when I first decided to leave Singapore to do my final year and graduate in UK.

First of all, it was the money involved. It wasnt a small sum and trust me, I am not someone who likes to have attention such as money to myself~

and then it felt really selfish knowing that my family felt real uneasy with all that preparation and stuff going on but still having to put them through it all just so things can move on.

and finally when its almost time to leave, I realise that my friends can be affected too~
well.... i didnt expect myself to feel so attached too. and the farewells are really touching.
its the same reason I dont really like to celebrate my birthday cos it feels too over for people to come out and do stuffs for me. ha...

I have to APOLOGISE to my friends. Most of them anyway... :(
I announced my departure too late and I simply cannot find time for everyone. Cos i know my family needed me the most and I want to be there for them.
And im sorry to alot of you who have to know that Im already in UK from fb or this blog....
T.T sorry.....


Well school's fine so far, except for the fact that I had to survive sunday, monday and tuesday without my baggages.... they were delayed la... sianded....
and its my first time in a damn cold place!!! luckily i had some warm clothing with me on the plane...

the people were nice to me knowing my plight so in a way it was a blessing~
it was really crazy when it came to the choosing modules, meeting my new classmates and well getting to know Bradford and direction and all~
Im still getting used to the cold and well~ consolation's that i finally know how it feels to get blown off ur feet! lol!! yesh the gale here IS that strong!

unfortunately complains of course I have.
maybe this place is really huge~ I had a difficult time contacting the people at the airlines and anywhere else for my baggage matters, I finally received a reply last thursday i believe...
now still waiting for second reply.....

the hostel was ok~ actually i like it cos its centralise and really close to almost everything!
however.... the laundry area still setting up!!! that means more hand washing for me.... aww man!!!!
my room has sucky view as compared to my flatmates from the other side which is absolutely fabulous, i have to pass through 4 doors technically to get to the kitchen or bathroom...and i have to swipe cards just to get there and guess what? they dont have to cos its at their area!!! AND best of all I have to cross a common corridor carrying all my barang barang to the toliet everytime i shower.... sian..... inconvenient la!!! and my area is where the UBar is... its got no privacy and noisy, well sometimes, and well the carpark's there so i guess it can be smelly sometimes from the smoking and fumes. so i keep my windows closed lo....

i want to change room but that empty room is right beside the toliet and probable has restricted view cos its sunk between 2 walls as from my research.... aw shyt la!!!

my only consolation is that this room is located where the sun and moon can shine.. everyone say its great cos where theres sun its cosy in this weather. i guess so... ive set myself up in this room so i guess I could deal with this lo... otherwise i'll ask for a change late next year just for the fun of it la...? lol

and the hostel has got crazy people who like to set off the fire alarm.
its a regulation we clear the room or else kenna fined or even kicked out lo...
its a wonder y they havent catch anyone yet cos its the 5th time in 2 weeks...!
and last night as horrible la... it was so damn cold my knees are knocking at each other, I was shivering like hyopthermic patient and I cannot talk for nuts cos i wa shaking so much.
By the time I got back to the room, I cant fall asleep and my limbs were so numb from the wind and cold of the night....

ok

i gotta leave this for now...
will update soon!! promise!