In loving memory...

today is one of those days that got me thinking and mulling over something that i dont even think i know what it is...
33 year old collapse in Queenstown Stadium and died.
yea thats one of my distant-uncles.
its really sad when you know them, nevermind that we are not that close.

today's the funeral and well only young people allowed technically.
grand total of 6 cousins plus me the niece makes 7.
the old had to hide and stay in corners away from the process. bad luck they say. not good for the old.

you hear the heart shattering cries of the mom and the dad in a daze sitting in another corner.
with every choked sniffles she take, you just feel so heartbroken for her. 33 years to this.
your heart simply ache so much you'd think it had already cracked and shatter into pieces.
its so heart wrenching im grateful the parents had to be absent from the whole process up till the last moment where the machine pushes the coffin in.

i felt really miserable, really alone and really helpless.
its a mixture of feeling that i dont know how to describe.
its like im lose for word, i dont know what to say to them.
i dont want to smile but all i can was smile, hoping that my smile can comfort them if not at least lift them up a little.
its been so long since i cried, and this time it was not because of me but for someone else.
and my uncle who was there out of not courtesy but matters of the heart, regardless of the elder cannot be there walked with me at the end and just before he leave said : so this is the end huh...?
that startled and woke me up.

yea...the absolute end.

i was still so happy so blur this morning until i see the coffin.
its like confuse plus blur plus detach.
and i still cannot believe that someone can be so @#?&% to remove the wallet and handphone from a dying man and walk away.
thats precisely why the poor family only heard from the police until 12 that night!

and yesterday was he's birthday... was suppose to be anyway.

the crematorium has been a place that i hated. the place where my loved ones are sent into the flames.
i HATE that and that agonising process that many cannot take.
and i absolutely hate that thing that they carry the coffin around with. gives me goosebumps all the time...YUCK!
fully automated process... you can scream and nobody will hear you... an exhibition process... so commercial.

and since then i still cannot get it out of my system... believe it ornot, im still shaking and i cant eat.

In loving memory of Chan Yong Xiang
12 April 1972 - 11 April 2006.