February 09, 2005

me returning to me

im feeling really familiar now~
dont know what happened but im starting to feel like the me when im small

when im bullied in school
when im called many nasty name
when im really zi bi...

then someone told me i may be experiencing depression

DEPRESSION?!

nah even if it is it is a very mild and tiny case of depression that comes on and off
i hate to admit that im really indeed honestly a little crazy and moody
but it seems that everything is really coming back to me again
im scared but i dont know what to do
i feel helpless but i dont want any help
it seems that i am actually enjoying the whole process of depression again.

sitting in the dark
crying in the dark
thinking in the dark
feeling sorry in the dark
staring into space in the dark
feeling that pain in the heart
curling into a ball and cry
freezing myself in the night
eating alone
contacting no one
isolating myself to myself
treating small nice stuffs to myself as if no one cares.....

i like the dark
i enjoy the pain
i adore the loneliness
i like to shut everyone out ( JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!) and be to myself

i may be a psycho but at least i do that to myself only

i hate the crowd
i hate groups of laughing friends
i hate people enjoying themselves
i hate happy family
i hate smiles
i hate everything nice and wonderful that is not happening to me

okay this may seemed to be a different me totally but yea this is that dark and terrifying side of me.
according to councelling teachers who talked to me a long time ago
they said that i am a we person
i like to feel company
i want people to like me thats why im a different me with different groups of people
they say i have that laughter and nice personality because im not confident of the real me
i hide myself behind the tested and proven sucessful me in the public eye and hide the real me behind
i do all these to protect the real me behind from hurt and injury
they say i may have unplesant experiences that i sucessfully shut from myself
and that i am doing all these in front and behind everyone to balance myself.
not all of then but one told me that if its the best way to carry on living i should continue the split personality.
i did and sucessfully did it but not totally unfortunately.
while the other say if i continue this way i might never survive the society.
some even say i might want to consider a shrink.

hmm...
maybe someday i will be forced to see one
but in the meantime~ let this be a dark little secret between us okay?

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