someone to lean on the bus ride home

where are you........??



i was watching the korean movie Type B Boyfriend last night and i wanted to write something about relationships all of a sudden.

i didn't made it until now after 2 shows. a movie 新扎师兄 and a series 恶魔在身边.

i havent found the first one to share memories with me yet and im already turning 21.
it scares me sometimes.
its like a feeling of being forgotten. nobody remembers you. nobody thinks of you.
its scary trust me.

yet i wonder of my reaction when it finds me finally.

i have been one who's been openly joking that i want a boyfriend but it surprises me to know that most or maybe everyone seriously thinks and believe that i'm joking and not serious at all.
but i have been serious all the time. i want to find that boyfriend but i havent the courage to put it seriously for fear that people will advoid me or they will feel awkward around me. besides the real reason is i'm scared.

i've always been on the side of infatuation only. crush. one sided love.
and i have never received anything remotely close anyway.
although i have signed, and accepted alot of heart-break in return when the flower of love hasnt even bloom yet.
everytime i start to believe that i may go somewhere, a train will some and ram into me brutally crushing every ounce of hope and believe. its like a fire that ravages and leaves a trail of broken shards behind. a charred room whose walls are cruelly and brutally scarred.
i have suffered much too many life endangering injuries to trust anything close anymore.
im getting old and my heart cannot take anymore damage already.

although i being that stubborn me will always want to experience somehow. somewhere.
i want to find someone, i really want to.
no matter how afraid i may be, i want to.
someone to ride with one the way home, someone to lean on.
but this time i would like to remain passive. (i have received too many no's when i confess in the past and i am really tired already. 3 no's and its a strike, im out of the game)
although 2 of them(in a surprisingly cosy and jovial manner) were just a matter of asking for the sake of knowing after the feeling's long gone, it still stings.
its even worse when the second strike left me in a puddle of warm blood and a whole lot of broken parts.
i havent recover from the second strike as of yet.
sometimes i still cry in the night in bed for who-knows-what reason.
and too nice to be true dreams of blurry faced boyfriends turn into nightmares after a round of sweet-nothings.
yea im scared i admit but i need to conquer.

will YOU just stop hasitating and ask me already. please??