a copy from ben's page--> rain diary

alan brownjohn

___________________

The Rain Diary

For my geography project

I would keep a rain diary, a record starting on 1st January of the days that year when it rained and approximately how much.

On 1st January there was no rain.

On 2nd January there was no rain.

It did not rain on the 3rd of 4th either.

Would I go back to school on 8th January with nothing to show?

Only blank pages with the dates in blue-black italic and the expectation of punishment?

Amanda kept a sunshine diary.

The sun shone all the time that New Year,every day was like the legendary 1st January 1942.

I saw long shadows of bare trees in Amanda's garden revolving on the stiff white grassas the sun crawled low and bright round the Warwickshire sky.

Amanda, day by day, logged her hours of sunshine in duffle coat and mittens, putting out her tongue to warm her finger tips.

Tiny planes inched over the blue from the aerodrome leaving lacystrips of vapour which crumbled into strung-out blurs.

There was no rainon 5th, 6th or 7th.

I gained a sense of what life in general would be like.

On 8th January I stood at 8.55 a.m. on the worn stone step of theschool with my blank diary - and raindrops fell.

But I had no time to write anything down, the bell was pounding in the school campanile and we could not be late.

So I opened my rain diary and let the rain fall into it,stain it and crinkle it, as the others fled past me into school.

To which rain I added my own joyful tears, knowing that Amanda might have statistics but I had a concrete event.

Benedict Goh

WhIsPeReD OuT @ 1/8/2005 11:41:45 AM

-ThE EnD-

last week till today~

many things happened these few days when im unable to log on cos my com died since the last entry...
i was really depressed last week...
depressed but i dont really know why...
its was funny and weired.
i always have these pangs for the voice of my friends...
like when i felt really lonely and depressed last week...
i dont know who to call and what to sat to them...
i just dont feel like talking but i want people to talk to me...
sigh
life seems really boring and pointless at times but i pulled through all these times nonetheless!
choir started this week and finally something useful finally seemed to work for me.
there will be a concert soon and that anticipation for the practices and the singing.
i was placed in place 2 and still stayed as a soprano after the classifying of my voice by greg.
it was fun.
having to sing and laugh together again!
la~ la~ la~

Dead On Your Feet

im tired.
unusually tired.

something is wrong or right.
i cant put a finger to anything lately.
nothing seems right.
or in fact nothings been right for me.

i want to be occupied.
i want something to do.
something that is meaningful.
but at the same time is able to fill my basic need of money for my lessons and daily needs.

im tired of cleaning the house.
im tired of the routine that i go through everyday.
im tired of the mind-numbing days that is empty of fresh ideas.

i want stimulating.
i need stimulating.

can anyone give me something to do?!
send me to the tsunami hit areas!
send me to africa!
send me to counsel troubled patients!
give me something to do!
Please!

japanese every wednesday.
swimming every friday.
french in the future every monday and thursday.
but they only occupy 1/4 of the 16 hours im awake on those days!

maybe having nothing to do is more tiring than having things to do.
maybe thats why old people fall ill after they retire from the work force.

yada yada yada~

~I Knew I Loved You~

Maybe it’s intuition But some things you just don’t question Like in your eyes I see my future in an instant And there it goes I think I’ve found my best friend I know that it might sound more than A little crazy but I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you I think I dreamed you into life I knew I loved you before I met you I have been waiting all my life

There’s just no rhyme or reason Only this sense of completion And in your eyes I see the missing pieces I’m searching for I think I found my way home I know that it might sound more than A little crazy but I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you I think I dreamed you into life I knew I loved you before I met you I have been waiting all my life

A thousand angels dance around you I am complete now that I found you

I knew I loved you before I met you I think I dreamed you into life I knew I loved you before I met you I have been waiting all my life......

love love love

love love love

love is in the air and i can smell it!
its sickening, nuseating and disgusting!

i was cooped up with all the new year thingy and suddenly i was reminded that Valentine's Day is coming.

Chinese New Year is already really frustrating and to me useless especially i get no rest at all from this public holiday and a hell lot of plastered smile on my face and lots of frustrating and annoying relatives that keep asking that age old same question.

"do you have a boyfriend?
no arh?!
must find one quick! "

annoying! really annoying!

to make things worse Valantine has to fall so bloody near...

yes yes im that infamous group of NEVER BEEN KISSED
and yes we DO exist in this world okay~

im not against love itself or anything in the genus of the category LOVE
but being alone, or lonely as i would have preferred to put it, makes these event a toture for people like me
its not like we wanted things to be this way

although many attached friends always comfort us with things like
'its better to be single
you have more freedom this way'
or
'being attached is no big deal
all thats changed is you have one responsibility to answer to'

its sad how unconvincing these gestures are to us
its so bad that it seems fake
like something roughly racked up to please that miserable me in all of us
although they may be true anyway

its really hard facing people asking or surprised at the answer that we will be spending 'holidays' such as this alone.
its really disheartening to see people cuddling while the group of us lonely people gather and spend the day together.
its painful to see the people you like spending it with somebody else.
its even worse if you are, like me, the ones that lends people that all holy shoulder to the heartbroken as they pour everything onto you.

maybe ill just hide from view this february and try to disappear
for how long
i do not know
i may not return again

nah its a shame to just disappear without leaving any mark on this miserable world
maybe i'll make some guy really heartbroken or maybe make many girls afraid of me before i come to nothing.

maybe just maybe

~Game of Love~

Tell me
Just what you want me to be
One kiss
And boom you’re the only one for me
So please tell me
Why don’t you come around no more?
Cause right now
I’m crying outside the door of your candy store

It just takes a little bit of this, a little bit of that
It started with a kiss
Now we’re up to bat
A little bit of laughs, a little bit of pain
I’m telling you my babe
It’s all in the game of ...

Love is
Whatever you make it to be
Sunshine
Instead of this cold lonely sea
So pleased baby
Try and use me for what
I’m good for
It ain’t saying goodbye
It’s knocking down the door of your candy store

It just takes a little bit of this, a little bit of that
It started with a kiss
Now we’re up to bat
A little bit of laughs, a little bit of pain
I’m telling you my babe
It’s all in the game of love
It’s all in the game of love

You roll me
Control me
Console me
Please hold me
You guide me
Divide me
Into me

(wanna make you mine)
So please tell me
Why don’t you come around no more?
Cause right now
I’m dying outside the door of your loving store

It just takes a little bit of this, a little bit of that
It started with a kiss
Now we’re up to bat
A little bit of laughs, a little bit of pain
I’m telling you my babe
It’s all in the game of love
It’s all in the game of love
It’s all in the game of love
Let’s play the game of love

Roll me
Control me
Console me
Please hold me
In this game of love
I’m out here on my own

COCKROACH!!!

i had a gathering with a group of singing people today.
they described me as a cockroach.

many people might be disgusted at this moment.
but i see it as a compliment.

cockroaches are the beings that keeps coming back no matter how you toture them, kill them, or wack them.
they just keep coming back stronger and meaner everytime!

i feel that its one of the most apt description for me, for now...

im the usual over opmistic people around the globe that takes things as they go and enjoys too much of their lives to get anything done really by the time they die.

i know how to swim. i just got my certificate for swimming instructor in fact.
i know how to skate but im only at the delta level not yet freestyle 1.
i know how to councel my peers but i have no qualification in this area.
i know how to apply first aid but thats about it for this area.
i know how to drive, a little japanese, play the Guzheng, a little piano.
i know how to lead people and get things done as i was the president in my CCA for secondary and junior college days and i was a committee member of the prefects in secondary days.

but thats about it.

i didnt accomplish anything great or enough for notice sake.

but i did all these for the fun of it.
i just want to know how to do things and accquire skills that not many will know but it seems that these skills are not here nor there kinds.
its never enough for me to accomplish anything great to me.

im investing in a choir group known as Consonance.
if you've heard us, well, i hope you liked it.
we are only 4 years old this year.
and yes im the soprano cockroach in this group.

maybe this cockroach might accomplish something worth noting soon in the enormous worls of performance art.

im not lost

All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost.
J R R Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring, 1954British scholar & fantasy novelist (1892 - 1973)

im not lost.
really!

as our dear tolkien has said
not all those that wander are lost.

indeed i am a wonderer
and yes im still wondering to much disapproving head-shakes from my teachers and elders

being a wanderer has its ups and downs
at least im not tied down to the basics of life itself and life as a way it is expected to be in this era

im free to do whatever that pleases me even if it does cost me much which i humbly admit
studies and employment are the very thing i distaste
thats why im utterly poor at these 2 basic aspects of life in the modern world
i merely hit a just pass grade and im delighted
i earn S$300 plus and im glad i pulled through the part-time job

im the perfect example of failure as my peers see me
im the hopeless case of a falling youth as my teachers see me
im the case of a failed child in the elders eyes

i dont like that either
i tried truly but i cant let go of this fact of life i enjoy
the surprises and humble happiness i see everyday
simple things bring joy
simple things bring grief
simple is the way i like things to be.

21012005

~how deep is your love~

I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave

And it’s me you need to show
How deep is your love

How deep is your love
How deep is your love
I really need to learn’
cause we’re living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You’re the light in my deepest darkest hour
You’re my saviour when I fall

And you may not think
I care for youWhen you know down inside
That I really do

And it’s me you need to show
How deep is your love

How deep is your love
How deep is your love
I really need to learn’
cause we’re living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

silent thoughts

dreams are a funny thing. yeas they are. they are the very thing that pushes many of us to accomplish everyday. without dreams, many of us may not be what we are now. some of us might even be six feet under now. i am one of these people that may just be that if dreams didnt hold against the wish for expiry at that time long ago. yes i admit that i still do have this thoughts from time to time. im not really healed yet.
dreams as in those that we see when we are hibernating every night; are on the other hand someting quite interesting. like a crystal ball, it shows us the very thing that we yearn for. hope for. crave for. its according to a book i read recently a reflection of what our subconscious is really seeking everyday. its a show that we direct and play everytime we dream. a play that shows either the very thing or scene we yearn for. or it may show the total opposite in which it might just be a simple but disturbing nightmare as its commonly knows as.
Déjà vu is something i experience quite frequently. especially now. like a dream is ordinary enough for you to go through and wake up as if you never slept last night even though you are fully recharged. but as the days go by, one of the days that pass might just involve what you did for that night. everything seems familiar and yet unfamiliar. you feel as if this is fake although it is real. until it is all well over, you realise its all familiar as you have forseened or went through the whole thing before. only in the dimension of your dreams. Déjà vu. something rather useless but interesting and intriguing.
or rather it is as useless as we all are.
after all everything will be gone when D day comes.
20012005

~emotions~

It’s over and done
But the heartache lives on inside
And who is the one your clinging to instead of me tonite

And where are you now
Now that I need you
Tears on my pillow
Wherever you go
Cry me a river that leads to your oceans
You’ll never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart it’s just emotions
Taking me over
Tied up in sorrows
Lost in my soul
And if you don’t come back
Come home to me darlin’
You know there’ll be no body left in this world to hold me tight
No body left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight goodnight goodnight
Goodnight

I’m here at your side
Apart of all the things you are
And you never thought of some one else
Your gonna find you shining star

And where are you now
Now that I need you
Tears on my pillow
Wherever you go
Cry me a river that leads to your oceans
You’ll never see me fall apart...

2359

2359 is the hour my crappyness leaks profusely from my finger tips

its so bad that i cant type properly as the fingers have so much to express on the miserable keyboard that i possess

im falling asleep slowly
drifting further
further from this dimension
into my favourite dimension

Dream

my favourite passtime as i can modify everything to my liking
i can do things i cannot do in this darn dimension
explore things impossible here

maybe i'll fall in love with the most dashing guy whom i'll never see that face in this dimension all because its too perfect it dosent exist

maybe i'll become that rock star that nobody will believe
where i'll scream so hard my veins protude
or i'll play the drums so well im the goddess of the drums

maybe i'll be a drug addict

maybe i'll be a spy

maybe

~dont know why~

I waited 'til I saw the sun

I don't know why I didn't come

~

I left you by the house of fun

I don't know why I didn't come

~

I don't know why I didn't come

~

When I saw the break of day

I wished that I could fly away

~

Instead of kneeling in the sand

Catching teardrops in my hand

~

My heart is drenched in wine

But you'll be on my mind

~

Forever

~

Out across the endless sea

I would die in ecstasy

~

But I'll be a bag of bones

Driving down the road along

~

My heart is drenched in wine

But you'll be on my mind

~

Forever

~

Something has to make you run

I don't know why I didn't come

~

I feel as empty as a drum

I don't know why I didn't come

~

I don't know why I didn't come

~

I don't know why I didn't come

~end~